some humor to lighten the place up a little

Discussion of Joseph Campbell's work with an emphasis on the personal creative impulse as well as the sociological role of the artist in today's global community.

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ALOberhoulser
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should



1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.



2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.



3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection

(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will

somehow 'remove' all the germs.



4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.



5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept

onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he

finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.



6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.



7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.



8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.



9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.



10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.



I found this on a webforum, thought I'd share it.

http://groups.msn.com/TheFlowingBridgeG ... =0&CDir=-1



AL
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Post by Guest » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

To:Al,

A friend told me this joke years ago:

A philosopher is a person who is looking for a black cat that does not exist in a dark closet.Ha Ha Ha !!!

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Post by Barry » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

SHIT is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.

WORLD RELIGIONS PHILOSOPHY AND OTHER THINGS

THE COMPLETE AND UNCENSORED SHIT LIST

AGNOSTICISM What is this shit?

ALTRUISM Want some shit?

AMISH Shit dost occur.

APATHISM I don't give a shit.

ATHEISM I don't believe this shit.

BA'HAI All shit is truly shit.

BUDDHISM Shit happens.

BAPTIST FUNDAMENTALISM Shit happens because the Bible says so.

CAPITALISM How much will this shit cost?

CARTESIANISM I shit, therefore I am.

CATHOLICISM If shit happens, you deserved it.

CLASSICAL Marxism The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again.

COMMUNISM It's everybody's shit.

CONFUCIANISM Confucius say, "Shit happens."

CREATION SCIENCE We have proof that God created all the shit that happens.

CONTRACT THEORY If we don't agree to form society, everything will go to shit.

DADISM Your mom knows her shit.

DARWINISM We came up from shit.

DESCARTES I shit therefore I am.

DIANETICS Shit your way to a better life.

DOMINICANS Belive in shit, or we'll boil you in it.

DYSLEXIANISM Hits shapnep.

DISCORDIANISM This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1955 Mustang.

Logical-Positivism Shit = S+H+I+T

MARINES It's not just shit, it's an adventure.

MCCARTHYISM Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?

MENNONITE None of this modern shit now.

MOMISM You'll eat this shit and like it!

MORMONISM Your shit is shit, but our shit is the ONE TRUE shit.

MURPHISM Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.

NARCISSISM My shit don't stink.

NIETSCHE If you're not Ubermenschen, you're not shit.

NIHILISM Everything is shit.

NIXONISM Shit didn't happen, and if it did, I don't know anything about it.

Nonsequiturism Route 176 goes south.

Objectivism (Ann Rand) Shit is Shit.

PAGANISM Shit happens. And is a part of nature.

PANGLOSSISM This is the best of all possible shits.

PLATONISM There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.

Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else.

RASTAFARIAN Shit happens, but if it's all right with Jah, it's all right with me.

ROBINISM (tv) Holy shit Batman!

RUSSEAU Only natural shit is worth shit.

Rastafarianism "Let's smoke this shit."

SHINTO Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.

SKINNERISM If eat then shit.

SOLIPSISM All this shit is a creation of my imagination.

SOLIPSISM The only thing I can be sure of is that my shit happens.

SPOONERISM Hit shappens.

STALINISM The state treats you like shit.

SUBGENIUS Bob happens -- SO GIVE ME SOME SLACK!

SURREALISM Shit is shiny and shaped like a buick.

Scientific-Creationism Shit happens all at once

Secular-Humanism Shit happens, but there's a rational explanation.

TAOISM The shit that happens is not the true shit.

THE-FORCE Do not be swayed by the Dark Side of the shit.

TV-Evangelism you need our shit, but it'll cost you.

UNITARIANISM There's only one shit, but you can have it happen any way you want.

Utilitarianism Do that which generates the greatest shit for the greatest number.

VANDALISM I'm gonna wreck this shit!

VOODOOISM Shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you

Xeno's paradox It's logically impossible for shit to happen.

YUPPIEISM It's my shit! All mine!

ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?

COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS OF WORLD RELIGIOUS PHILOSOPHIES

TAOISM Shit Happens

CONFUCIANISM Confucius says, "Shit Happens."

ZEN What is the sound of shit happening?

YOGA There's a full lotus shit happening.

TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.......

HINDUISM This shit has happened before.

ISLAM If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM If shit happens, you deserve it.

FUNDAMENTALISM If shit happens, they deserve it.

PROTESTANTISM Let shit happen to someone else.

EPISCOPALIANISM When shit happens, make it tasteful.

JUDAISM Why does shit always happen to US?

MORMONISM Shit's going to happen. Stockpile.

UNITARIANISM Deal with your own shit happening.

TWELVE STEP PROGRAMS. We're powerless over shit. Turn shit over.

ASTROLOGY Uranus transits.

PERESTROIKA We can't control shit. Let shit happen.

AGNOSTICISM Shit may or may not be happening; we don't know shit.

ATHEISM No shit.

GNOSTICISM Know shit.

My own list (to be edited in later)...

Taoism Shit happens

Confucianism Confucius say, "shit happens."

Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism This shit happened before.

Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Islam If shit happens, take a hostage.

Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else.

Protestantism Shit won't happen if I work harder.

Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism I don't believe this shit

Agnosticism What is this shit?

Unitarian What is this shit?

Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama ding ding.

7th Day Adventist Shit happens on Saturdays.

Jehovah's Witness Knock, knock, "Shit happens."

Mormon Shit happens again & again & again.

Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit!
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

Hippies- Man, this shit is good!

:grin:
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

> A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked
him
> if it was dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you
know?"
> she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't
move,"
> answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher excl
aimed
> in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went
> 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." >> >
> _________________________________________________ >>
>
>
> A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....
> "Da-ad...." "What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You
> had your chance. Lights out.." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
> "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you
NO!" If
> you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......
> "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you
bring
> a drink of water?"
________________________________________________ >>
>
>
> An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
> finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
> thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and
out and
> keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
>
> sake,Dylan, come in or stay out!'" >> >
> _________________________________________________ >>
>
>
> One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking
> her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with
> a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The
> mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she
said.
> "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at
last by
> his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." >>
> _________________________________________________ >>
>
>
> It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's
> sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little
girl
> was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the
pastor
> leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is ityour
Easter
> Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's
clip-on
> microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." >>
> ________________________________________________ >>
>
>
> When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
> >> She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,
honey,
> remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
>
> "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?" >>
> _________________________________________________ >>
>
>
> A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
plus
> five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
bitch
> is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What
are
> you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework,
Mom."
> "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother
asked.
>
> "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the
next
> day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied,
"Right
> now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you
teaching
> them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the
> teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
two
> plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
>
> __________________________________________________________>>
>
>
> One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little
> to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little
> tried to warn the farmer.. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little
went up
> to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
>
>
> The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think
that
> farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think
he
> said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
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Post by Barry » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Heisenberg:
Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.

Xeno:
The chicken can never reach the other side because there are an infinitessimal number of segments between him and the other side.

Einstein:
It depends on the chicken's frame of reference as to whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken.

Nietzche:
If the chicken gazes too long across the road, the road will also gaze into the chicken.

Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Timothy Leary:
Because it was the only trip the establishment would let it take.

Anonymous:
To show the armadillo it could be done.

Plato:
The ideal chicken must ideally cross the ideal road. Therefore, imperfect chickens in this world cross imperfect roads, imperfectly.

Karl Marx:
She was driven by the lash of economic necessity.

Aristotle:
It is the essense of chickens to cross the road.

Joseph Campbell:
She was following her bliss

Lao Tse:
Those who cluck do not know.
Those who know do not cluck.

Capt. Jean Luc Picard:
To see what's out there.

Col. Oliver North:
It was a national security matter.

Basil Fawlty:
Oh, never mind that chicken. She's from Barcelona.

Sir Edmund Hilary:
Because it's there.

The Kingston Trio:
The lions still roam the barranca
And a hen there is always alone.

Sigmund Freud:
The telephone pole suggested a phallic symbol and like all female creatures she wanted to be dominated.

Jacques Derrida:
The question admits of limitless answers, since there is no one logocentric strategy of discourse that takes primacy over all others.

Oscar Wilde:
This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow.

William Blake:
Little chicken, who set thee free
To wander here on Highway Three?
"Oh, sir, your question's very odd;
He is called the Lamb of God."

Douglas Adams:
Forty-two.

Vito Corleone:
We made her an offer she couldn't refuse.

Sappho:
To kiss your skin, to lie with you in moonlight...

Jean Paul Sartre:
To impose a meaning upon her accidental existence.

T.S.Eliot:
To leave the place she knew for another place
And to stay there for a while
And then to move onward to a third place.

Buddha:
To ask this question denies your own chicken nature.

Charles Darwin:
It was the next step after coming down from the trees.

Thomas Jefferson:
All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature's God with the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.

Confucius:
When the emperor performs the rites with full reverence, and the court officers behave as true scholars and gentlemen, a hen may cross any road in the kingdom safely.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die. In the rain.

H.P. Lovecraft:
To escape the crawling horror lurking on this side of the road, a nameless and foetid monstrosity that cannot be conceived save in the dreams of madness.

Friederich Nietzsche:
There was no chicken, no road, no crossing. There was only an interpretation.

Sid Vicious:
Cause I had the effin' bird pinned to my right nipple when I started chasin' Nancy across the effin' road wif my effin' switchblade.

Darth Vader:
She was seduced by the dark side of the road.

Raymond Chandler:
She had beady inhuman eyes like strange black jewels and the kind of feathers a bird of paradise might envy. I knew that if they made her a free-range chicken she'd grab the first opportunity and never look back.

James Joyce:
Mrs. Hahn, Cock's wife, flapflopped from an ova eggspressed (one l'ouvre, end sot) and charged that lewd brigade into any tennis sun in this faunanimal whirled.

Robert Anton Wilson:
Carol Christmas never knew if she had actually seen a chicken calmly crossing the street in New York's worst traffic, or if it was another nasty joke by that malign dwarf, Chaney. But now she was seeing chickens at every corner, waiting for the light to change. She saw them most often after coming out of her class on post-modern literature.

Ronald Wilson Reagan:
I don't remember.

Weekly World News:
Nostradamus predicted chicken/Bigfoot horror!

Newt Gingrich:
The chicken choose to exercize individual initiative and not wait for a government-funded traffic light program.

William Faulkner:
Uncle Ike saw her first: just an ordinary chicken, he thought for a moment, a chicken picking here and pecking there, gradually working her way across the road toward the lawn; but then he felt the fingers tighten on his arm and looked up, astounded, to see him, the Colonel, eyes lit with a new fire, face aglow like a saint seeing a vision: and then it was destiny, a thing pre-ordained, a fatality, for the Colonel did not reveal even to him, Uncle Ike, the secret ingredients, not the names of the herbs and not even the number of them (some would say he used as many as twenty, and others insisted there was but Jone magic herb that created that special flavor) and so the secret of the crust remained, a hermetic mystery, an arcanum implacable and inpenetrable, locked in the private places of the Colonel's soul: and yet the vision was real, a true moment of Fate; for the franchises sold almost as fast as they could slaughter and gut the stock, and they spread across the country, across the civilized world, making the Colonel not just a millionaire but a billionaire, and Uncle Ike saw it all, knew it all, from the beginning to the day when the initials KFC were to be seen in every city, every town, every hamlet large enough to own two mules and an Assembly of God church: until now, standing in the franchise in Jefferson, Yoknapatawpha County, where Flem Snopes, the bank president, hawked and coughed and spat on the floor, then hoisted his britches, country style, and said to the waitress, "Make it extra crispy, please."

Hannibal Lecter, M.D.:
I ate her liver. With fava beans. And a brandied cranberry sauce.

Friar Broccoli:
The light was green. With green-ness is truth and reason.

Plato:
Because it is in the nature of chickens, strictly defined in asmuch as they are chickens, to cross roads.

Jacques Prevert:
I put the chicken on my head, and my military cap crossed the road...

Vergil:
Arms and the chicken I sing, who first from the side of the road
To the other side driven by fate, came at last to the foot
Of the "don't walk" sign...

Bill Gates:
To lead the other chickens across the Info Superhighway (NOT road) and into a world where there's a computer in every home. Its just where he wanted to go today.

Lao-tzu:
The chicken both crosses the road and not-crosses the road because that is the way of Tao.

The Great Gonzo:
Carmilla, come back!



<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Barry on 2002-08-28 09:34 ]</font>
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Post by emptyplate » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!!!
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

Happy Halloween!
Image

Check this link out & tell me if you know the musical artist... http://www3.quantumlynx.com/barontech/list/sayit.swf


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<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: ALOberhoulser on 2002-10-28 02:24 ]</font>
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Post by Alexa » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

Eh! Eh! Eh!
Happy Halloween!

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Post by ALOberhoulser » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out:
10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private
therapeutic milieu."
9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking
invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life
than you are.
8 ) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small
gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness
with a colleague.
7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to
categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had.
6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles,
and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique
has the most empirical validly for treating this problem.
5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just
one big case load.
4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit
"internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today.
3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it
would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that.
2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating
boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight," and her "emotions
are not congruent with her chronological age."
And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out...
1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and
you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.


RING. . .
RING. . .
CLICK
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one
will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware
that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and
about to bite off your ear.


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: ALOberhoulser on 2002-11-21 02:01 ]</font>
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Post by Clemsy » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

I put this in L&M, but it belongs here. Enjoy!

Okay, okay… So, it was the end of a long day on an assembly line where the raw material insisted on acting like 11-year-old children. My edge was dulled... I freely admit it. An important part of teaching middle school is imagination: imagining how your words and actions can be twisted and turned either innocently or quite deliberately in an attempt at dragging you into their pecking order thing. You want to avoid that. I didn’t, but at least it was innocent.

I had the class in the computer lab inputting some creative writing and was giving page format instructions. I told them they could choose their own font style as long as it was easily readable. That elicited a barrage of questions. Is Helvetia ok? Is jokester ok? Is kidnap ok? I stopped them (they would ask about every font, including wingdings) and, since it was the accelerated class (raw material that doesn’t try to escape), decided to use a sophisticated expression, then explain it.

“Not too fancy, not too weird,” I said. “Find a ‘casual but chic’ font.”

A boy looked up at me, covered his mouth and started laughing. As if by some kind of short range, prepubescent telepathy, the kids around him started to giggle.

“Mr. Lambert,” the boy asked, “is there really a font called ‘casual butt cheek?”

I really should have known better.


Clemsy, revealing his secret identity
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Post by JR » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

I have casual butt cheeks. I think it's from sitting in front of this damn computer each day. :smile:

JR
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Post by Clemsy » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

My wife teaches 8th grade social studies and just completed a unit on immigration. One student had this to say about conditions on the ships from Europe:

"The stench in steerage was god offal."
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Post by JR » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

*groan* ... so corny

When I was in 5th grade, we learned about the Latin roots and prefixes in English words. One day our teacher told us that the root "derm" meant skin (as in pachyderm or dermatitis). For extra credit, he asked us if we could think of any other words that had derm in it, to which my friend was the only person to raise his hand. When Mr. Tozzalina asked "yes, Raul, What is your word?" he answered "Spiderman!"
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Fri Feb 23, 2007 3:22 am

I thought this was hilarious dark humor...
http://www.darwinawards.com/
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