some humor to lighten the place up a little

Discussion of Joseph Campbell's work with an emphasis on the personal creative impulse as well as the sociological role of the artist in today's global community.

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Evinnra
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Post by Evinnra » Mon Aug 18, 2008 3:02 am

ivor orr wrote:

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Spot on dear Friend, SPOT ON!!!!

Never underestimate the Poms to know exactly what’s going on … (sigh) :P

Speaking of sharing the deepest of insights:



How many capitalist does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in and SIX to design the T-shirt.

How many Marxist does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb it self.

How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But why bother? The light socket will be obsolete in six months anyway. :wink:

Keep 'em coming dear Ivor!

Cheers,
Evinnra
'A fish popped out of the water only to be recaptured again. It is as I, a slave to all yet free of everything.'
http://evinnra-evinnra.blogspot.com
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Post by Poncho » Wed Aug 20, 2008 8:41 pm

Ha ha very funny dear lady.


Aussies very much in the news over here!



Aussies in love ...

click HERE




Life in the Australian Army!

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am . But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot
water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggured because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of wee-wee!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer neither and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila




Thought for the day

Anyone who says onions are the only veg that make you cry has never been hit in the face with a turnip...
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Post by Poncho » Fri Aug 22, 2008 6:27 pm

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Evinnra
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Post by Evinnra » Sun Aug 24, 2008 4:00 am

:lol: :lol: Luv-ya Ivor :lol: :lol:


It's impossible to trump your jokes, but I'll do my best to come up with something remotely entertaining in comparison .. :shock: :?: 8)

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.



God’s warning to Evinnra : I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made you louder.


The way things are:



After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget





Pets and other problems in life:

Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Cheers,
Evinnra :P
'A fish popped out of the water only to be recaptured again. It is as I, a slave to all yet free of everything.'
http://evinnra-evinnra.blogspot.com
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Post by Evinnra » Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:20 pm

Very quiet here on this thread dear Ivor, so here is my offering for resurrecting the topic:

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

(found at : http://www.basicjokes.com/christian.php )
'A fish popped out of the water only to be recaptured again. It is as I, a slave to all yet free of everything.'
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Post by Poncho » Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:06 pm

Ha ha very funny dear lady


The English in Love: click HERE
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Evinnra
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Post by Evinnra » Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:33 am

:shock: Dear Ivor, is this your way of telling me that you don't post any more jokes on this web-site because you divorced all of us collectively? You divorced us for a floozy from cyber space? I'm hurt ... :cry: I am jealous!!!! :evil:

*Evinnra storming out of the room in a huff*

ps.: I ought to stop projecting ... :wink:


:lol: :lol: :lol:
'A fish popped out of the water only to be recaptured again. It is as I, a slave to all yet free of everything.'
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Post by Ned Kelly » Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:25 pm

Evinnra wrote::shock: Dear Ivor, is this your way of telling me that you don't post any more jokes on this web-site because you divorced all of us collectively? You divorced us for a floozy from cyber space? I'm hurt ... :cry: I am jealous!!!! :evil:

*Evinnra storming out of the room in a huff*

ps.: I ought to stop projecting ... :wink:


:lol: :lol: :lol:
I'm too much of an arrant Anglo-Saxon, a race of pirates, to give a flying F--- about "sensitivity".

Dialogue in an English pub, circa 2003, between me and an one of my kin, an Englishman:

Englishman: "F---! I mean, F---! You f---ing Americans, ya know wha' ah mean?
Ah mean, F---! You and your f---ing fascist country! Wha', y' wanna fight? Y' fookin wanna, yeah ya wanna fookin' fight?"

(Englishman takes a swing at me and falls down on his face. Two days later he apologises to me. GOD BLESS ENGLAND, AND GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! ;-) And God bless America for teaching my ancestral country, England, to STOP shitting upon the rest of the world....) :-)

By the way, for my fellow Yanks, do you know when the British celebrate Thanksgiving? British Thanksgiving is on the fourth of July. 8)
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Post by Poncho » Fri Feb 27, 2009 7:02 pm

Hi Evinnra

I've missed you too dear lady and of course all the other lovely ladies who post on this site.

Welcome too to Ned Kelly above.


I've been busy making my fortune. See below. They're selling like hot cakes over here. I could offer Evinnra a franchise so she can get rich quick too in Oz. It's just the sort of thing she would like I'm sure :P



A New Computer Mouse Designed with The Female in Mind !!


After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PCs. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of psychological problem.

Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right' in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women.

Various field tests have been carried out on the new design:

Julie from Hounslow said: 'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be'

Susan from Chelmsford added: 'I think the mouse was originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle'

Hillary from Kent said: 'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!'





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Last edited by Poncho on Sat Feb 28, 2009 8:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by noman » Sat Feb 28, 2009 3:29 am

Well hello Mr. Orr.

Wondered if you were coming back.

I know this is the comedy thread, but I had the best idea to replace the mouse. People use these laser light pens as pointers when they are giving lectures. It would be nice if you could strap a laser light on your head and have it shine on the screen where you want the curser. The left and right click would be part of the keyboard. That way we wouldn’t have to go from keyboard to mouse and back with our dominant hand. It may seem like and minor inconvenience. But some people spend forty hours a week in front of a computer.

But such a device might not be technically possible.

- NoMan
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Post by Poncho » Sat Feb 28, 2009 9:06 am

Hi NoMan

Good to see you're still around 8)

Seems like a pretty good idea to me. As you know I'm a tour guide at weekends. There's a world famous Chapel that I guide in. Usually packed with other tour groups. Some of the other guides use the red laser pens to point out from a distance interesting facets of the building. If the other guide is somewhere behind me shining his pen and I suddenly see this red dot on the wall very close to me I instictively stiffen. Seen too many American murder movies I guess where the assassin is moving in on his 'prey' :lol: We did have in there last year Prince Harry (Princess Diana as a loyal wife had to produce an heir and a spare. Well Harry's the 'spare') having a look around pretending to be a tourist but guarded by his personal protection team in plains clothes (former soldiers from the SAS) so it could get quite scary. Having a red laser pen on your head might worry your work colleagues when you look up and around from your computer screen in the office.


Anyway as you know I'm called ivor orr rather than Ivor Biggun. Could be worse, I could be called (and this is a bit rude ladies so you may not want to - I have no wish to offend you) .....

Click HERE
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Post by Clemsy » Sat Feb 28, 2009 3:52 pm

:lol:

My, that bawdy British humour. Good to 'see' you Ivor!

BTW, I nearly spit my coffee at Jenna's comment below the pic.
Give me stories before I go mad! ~Andreas
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Post by Evinnra » Sun Mar 01, 2009 12:09 am

:D It is so good to see you posting again dear Ivor, and NoMan. You both have a tendency to scoot off to pursue other interests, but at least our JCF board can depend on you to come ‘home’ and share the spoils.

Speaking of computers;

WMD in the making.

British scientists discovered that making the most powerful weapon in the Universe requires only to build a super fast computer that gives accurate yes/no answers to their question ‘what IS the case’. Of course the world’s academic community didn’t miss a heartbeat to steel this valuable information from the Brits and a little while later all nations managed to muscle in on the project. The big day arrived to turn on the computer and ask the first question.

Scientist: Is it the case that a man can have more than one wives OR is it the case that a man can have only one wife.

Computer: Yes.

Scientist: Yes, WHAT?

Computer: Yes SIR.

:idea: :lol:
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Sat Mar 14, 2009 1:48 pm

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' came the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk
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Post by ALOberhoulser » Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:22 am

A US Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the Congressman turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about the banking crisis?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting and timely topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The Congressman, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss banking when you don't know sh*t?
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