It's impossible to trump your jokes, but I'll do my best to come up with something remotely entertaining in comparison ..
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
God’s warning to Evinnra : I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made you louder.
The way things are:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.
Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.
Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget
Pets and other problems in life:
Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.