Can anyone make sense of this?

Joseph Campbell believed that "...each of us has an individual myth that's driving us, which we may or may not know." This forum is for assistance and inspiration in the quest to find your own personal mythology.

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Knightwriter
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Can anyone make sense of this?

Post by Knightwriter » Mon Jul 28, 2014 7:13 pm

I'm not far enough to develop any sense of personal mythology or to analyze my own life in mythic terms but can anyone make some sense out of this?

I was born with Apergers syndrome so I suffered a degree of social impairment but I was always three or four years ahead in science and especially math at age two I deduced by myself the existence of genetic code, operating a desktop computer and studying the flight patterns of birds.

As a young child I’d have nightmares quite frequently I was always pursued either by wolves in a snowy forest or by barbaric men in one of any ancient setting as time went on the dreams gradually went from being pursued and caught to simply trapped in an attic, mall, space station or bathroom by men, dinosaurs or zombies. After I was nine my dreams became far more infrequent occurring only about four times a year since then when I do dream however I am always in a lucid state where I can control and interact with everything but I haven’t been able to make use of or interact with my subconscious that much this way yet because they generally start rather formulaic and I since I am aware I’m dreaming and can control things I forget to ask questions.

My father was a charismatic, pedophilic, psychopath he emotionally tortured my mother for years and sexually abused both myself and my sister albeit my abuse was early enough that I do not consciously remember it. It wasn’t until I was in my early teens that I got wise to what was going on but there was always an uneasiness, a fear his charm didn’t really work on me and even when I was at my most naive he eerily reminded me of Emperor Palpatine.

My mother was an extremely strong and caring woman but she was plagued by self doubts and denial in relation to my father for many years.

I can’t say I ever felt any natural affection for my father which is quite telling I wouldn’t really call himself “a father figure” in my life that niche was filled very easily by God I was raised very religiously (my family doesn’t believe in the Trinity or the immortal soul) and had read the entire bible for the first time when I was 8 I can say the same thing today I’ve always felt and lived as if the Judeo-Christian God (Yahweh or Jehovah) is my father. Before I entered my teens I was or at least tried to be quite extroverted I’ve always felt a deep love and empathy for every other person I’ve ever come across and this was quite blatant before I entered my teens. There was a lot of conflict in those years between my effortless recognition and respect for everyone as equals and a great deal of defensiveness which plagued me. Bullying was a problem I was an outcast but I never worried about a singular bully I was generally tormented by entire grades often simultaneously even the entire student body at this one private school. I would have friends sometimes but never more than one at any given point (excluding old people who I always enjoy the company of and get along with well) before I was seventeen.

Although my views/perception towards the opposite sex have continued to develop even in the past couple of years it was always fairly mature and enlightened. The nature of my taste; what attracts me to members of the opposite sex has always been a bit puzzling to me although I have always had a very clear anima image (Nothing remotely Freudian) but I honestly have never cared at all much what anyone looked like weight, height, hair, eyes, race etcetera and in terms of personality the only thing that they’ve all had in common was enough kindness that they stood out and didn’t treat me like a piece of crap like everyone else and most of them were six months to two years older than me which gets kind of annoying after a wile. My sex drive has always been extremely weak (I’m still a virgin) my mind over the years has devoted so little to sex that it borders on the asexual am me and my family sometimes joke about me being a monk. Naturally when I fully overcome my impairments and am self-sufficient I’ll pursue a mate I’m the kind of person whose patient enough to wait a millennia for that if it’s worth it but since as you can see it’s a bit of a puzzle I don’t know what would form a perfect complement and bond.

Since I was six years old I’ve always been a voracious reader and student I’d go three hundred pages a day no problem still do sometimes the two things that really stood out for me were Spider-Man, (850 issues so far of Original, Ultimate, and Spider-Girl) Robin Hood (a 1904 edition which is the most accurate thing you can expect to get) and an abridged version of The Odyssey. These stories were what really kept me going between the torment at school and the miserable home life I hadn’t yet fathomed not just the escapism which I always valued but the life lessons and not the promise of a happy ending but the promise that it’s possible to be earned however long and arduous the quest. Ayn Rand has also been quite influential in recent years.

When I was six I had a severe spinal injury that resulted in constant headaches and a strong dull pain throughout my back the former has gone away in the past two years but the latter I’ve just learned to ignore.

When I was in fifth grade the school gave me an IQ test I registered as 160 in all areas except for the social which was quite impaired.

On a vacation when I was 11 my behavior one night I was a real jerk as a result of a severe allergy attack. I was beaten severely for half an hour by both parents simultaneously I also had most of my possessions confiscated for six months. I nearly jumped off the condo roof that night but I was deterred by my religious convictions and the desire to endure through this.

After this I tended to be much more of an introvert and as time went on and I devoted more and more of my time to reasoning in hyperfocused states this became more pronounced although my family have not come to understand it quite yet this is largely intentional and will end when my studies are complete.

When I was thirteen I was having a treatment on my neck/skull that was improperly done I don’t know what happened but it had some kind of neurological/ neurochemical effect? And in a matter of hours it triggered a state of depression that lasted for five years it only went away a little over a year ago when I had a religious epiphany. No I wasn’t crying or whining but I did try to address it incapable of feeling any form of joy I found that humor could serve as a bit of a crutch and I quickly became quite witty and gravitated towards more comedic entertainment I wasn’t fooling myself or trying to; just weathering the storm now I have but it’s such a habit I sometimes find it hard to turn it off. This depression might have been why I had and still have a weakness for pornography not pictures or videos but literature of an erotic nature on occasion it’s been a struggle for me sometimes but I think I made some major progress a couple months ago.
I never suffered any identity issues as an adolescent because I already had a strong identity thanks to religion and having gone through a sort of rite of passage Christian baptism a year before at age 14 I decided to complete my process by selecting a vocation and pursuing it full time I choose being an author and wrote twenty full length novels (2 published) in the first year and a half alone. From that point on I viewed myself as or at least very close to an adult and this became more reinforced at 15 and 16.
I never fell into stereotypical teenage rebellion when really frustrated I’d either act more compliant and respectful so that any accusations would be even more fictional or I’d make a clear principled stand and not take a course of action.
Although I used to have a real temper as a child I have never been particularly violent especially since I was 10 while I am not a complete pacifist I don’t have any kind of complexes associated with power because I’ve always been aware that the only kind of power a person really has is their own free will and I’ve always viewed that as sufficient and treasured everyone’s as a gift from our creator separating us from the animals. I’m apolitical I hate every single political system created by man though anarchy is a worse alternative and believe that man is fundamentally incapable of ruling himself.
The Shadow I don't know of anything in my life directly connected with confronting the shadow other than seeing my own negative traits quite clearly and dealing with them as I can corruption has always been a great fear of mine the greatest in fact but I never deny my own faults and I found a number of videogames such as Metroid Prime 3 and Spider-Man Web of Shadows quite interesting in their examinations of these topic although it's hard to beat George Lucas's presentation of the fallen hero.
Economically I have always been an an advocate of Capitalism.
When I was sixteen several years after I put the last pieces together about my father I finally succeeded in urging my mother to leave and seek a divorce. This was a good thing to because she found matches and gutting knives in his dresser next to the bed which had not been there the night before. We fled the next morning and while we she achieved a legal divorce yet we just have a restraining order and most of the people who know us have taken his side we are faring pretty well.
You could say right now and for half a decade I’ve been on an insatiable quest for knowledge science, religion literature, history, philosophy, psychology, mythology I am obsessed with understanding humanity, the universe, the divine, people etcetera in order to best aid my fellowman when my studies were complete. I study in a wide variety of unrelated areas units I suppose and while there is rarely any immediate benefit once every year almost like clock work I have what I call a convergence. Pieces from all the work in the previous year fall into place at a random moment and I am struck with an epiphany in a field whether it be physics, biology, religion or a combination the scope and size of the expansion in the fields are always quite monumental taking twenty to a hundred pages to explain but are transmitted in 1-30 seconds my first one was the first 75% of a still unfinished physics theory of everything and the best part is it’s fact none of it is truly theoretical it is just a way of looking at/approaching established observations that no one has yet managed to notice. I’m always immensely grateful and don’t claim credit for these things.
Finally the four most emotional events of my life have been.
1. My most recent Convergence a little over a year ago (the next ones overdue) It was so powerful I cried out of joy for a half hour and my depression was lifted. Just a really personal experience with the divine.
2. The Spider-Man story One More Day which I finally read a year ago. Nothing has ever had as much of a negative effect on me emotionally from speaking with people I’ve learned that for most it’s a pain that lingers for about five years although this is deeply tied with my personal study and growth both in the title and without and wouldn’t have bothered me half as much if I’d read it a month earlier.
3. The death of my great grandmother when I was 8. My first experience of mourning I mourn a lot I mourn naturally every time I encounter death regardless of how well I knew them but nothing really compares to the first time.
4. My baptism. I was so enthusiastic at 13 dying to a former way of life and living another stripping off the old personality and putting on the new one.
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Clemsy
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Post by Clemsy » Tue Jul 29, 2014 2:25 pm

Greetings, Knightrider, and welcome to the JCF Conversations of a Higher Order.

Very powerful first post. I really don't know if anyone can answer your question. Who can make sense of someone else's life? It's a challenge for us to make sense of our own!

I think 'to make sense of' implies finding meaning, yes? The question is, is there inherent meaning in a life, or must one construct one's own? Joseph Campbell said that the experience of being alive supercedes meaning. I think we create meaning by how we choose to respond to the conditions life throws at us.

Cheers,
Clemsy
Give me stories before I go mad! ~Andreas
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